Jokes

Disclaimer.. I didn't invent any of these.. I just found them on the internet or heard them from someone and retold them. 

• I bought a dog from a blacksmith, When I got him home he made a bolt for the door
• I am very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y..
• Dumb people are bad for the environment. They leave the light on when no body is home.
• My friend ask if I could have any super power in the world what would it be? I said cold war Russia
• Does anyone own a cat? Your house stinks. But some people like cats. I was reading apparently the pope is a cat-o-holic
• The police officer pulled me over the other day and said any thing you say can and will be held against you so I said boobies!
• What do prisoners use to contact one another? Cell phones!
• What is brown and sticky? A stick!
• A shepherd bossed a sheep around all day and the sheep got tired of it and told him to lay off.. The shepherd was so surprised that he stammered out what?? and the Sheep responded you "herd me"!
• My friend said gas is getting so expensive.. he spent 50$ to fill up his tank and I was like You drive a tank?!?
• Can't starve in the desert because of all the sand which is there
• The prom is such a pain, lots of waiting in line to get anything... When we got there my date asked for something to drink and so I went and came right back.. she said that was quick.. I said, yea there is no punch line. 
• Satan challenged Jesus to write some software and Satan lost power so Jesus won because Jesus saves.
• My friend asked what my favorite element was so I punched him.. Said it is the element of surprise!
• Why is your nose not 12 inch long? It would be a foot
• What do you call a detached nose? No body nose!
• I grew up in a theme park.. trailers
• I bought my guns from a dealer named T Rex.. He is a small arms dealer
• Diarrhea is hereditary.. it runs in your jeans!
• 3 women married for convenience, one married a pilot so she could travel for free, one married a doctor so  she could stay healthy without having to pay for it, and one married a preacher to be good for nothing.
• At a restaurant, I asked the chef - How do you prepare your chicken? We just tell them - You are gonna die
• Knock knock broken pencil,  agh there is no point
• Why did the chicken cross the road - to see the ugly man - knock knock
• One armed man can't complain about secondhand smoke
• Pirate's favorite letter? C because they like to sail on it!
• What kind of bagels can fly? A plane bagel!
• Two peanuts in a dark ally. One was a salted
• What do air conditioners and computers have in common? Both don't work when the windows are open!
• Termite asked where is the bar tender?
• Baby won't rake a nap is resisting arrest
• Two dislexic guys walked into a bra
• Parents are trans-parent
• String walks into a bar. I am a fraid knot too!
• Favorite color is orange - like it better than red and yellow combined!
• General keeps his armies in his sleevies
• Kermit the frog and Alexander the great
• Pony with a sore throat - I am a little horse!
• What kind of bees can you milk? boobies!
• What kind of computer can sing? A dell!
• I haven't slept for 3 days! That would be a really long time!
• Whiteboards are remarkable!
• I have spent 3 years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer, but no one will do it
• A blond said she just finished a puzzle in record time! The box said 3 + years!
• What is the name of the king of the circle? Sir conference
• What did the momma buffalo say to her son as he left? Byson
• What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Dinum Dinum Dinum to the tune of Mario music
• The tree legged cat walked into a bar and said who shot my pa?
• Not such a big deal when your parashoot doesn't work, you got rest of life to fix it
• Only like to go to funerals in the afternoon... I am not a morning person
• Why do Riot police like to get to work early? So the can beat the crowd
• A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thought to her self, some A hole took my pen!
• More churches in Los Vegas Franciscan monastery chip monks
• Racing snail pulled off shell and it was sluggish
• Difference between well dressed man on bike and shabby on unicycle - a tire
• I started dating this girl who works at the zoo, I'm pretty sure she's a keeper.
• Sheep dog told to round up the sheep and put them in the pen and he rounded up from 38 to 40
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
• I can cut through wood just looking at it, yeah I didn't believe it at first either but I saw it with my own eyes
• I just found out my friend was dating a communist, he really should have noticed, there were so many red flags 
• How many sides does a circle have? 2, the outside and the inside
• I have always hated elevators, that is why recently I have started taking steps to avoid them
• What are you doing? I am looking for will smith, he always leaves fresh prints
• I don't like Russian dolls, they are so full of themselves
• O boiling water, you will be mist
• Oryan's belt, it is a huge waste of space
• What do you get when you device a poop into three pieces? Turds!
• How do locomotives know where to go? They been through lots of training
• The storm trooper was enjoying the woke steak but it was a little chewy 
• Why was it called the dark ages? Because they had so many knights
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me
• How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue
• Why does the little Mermaid wear seashells? Because she got implants and couldn't fit her b shells
• When I die I want all my old teammates to get together and lower me to my grave. I want the have them let me down one last time.
• What's brown and rhymes with snoop, actually it's Dr Dre 
• How come the man driving the train got struck by lightning? He was a good conductor 
• How many dbz characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one but it is gonna take at least 6 episodes
• Why did the tomatoe blush? Because it saw the salad dressing
• Why did Adele cross the road? She wanted to say hello from the other side 
• Your momma is so dumb that she only changed your diaper once a month because the box said good for up to 20 lbs
• How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles
• A wolf on Wallstreet jumped into a cab and the driver said "where wolf?" 
• When you have a bladder infection,  urine trouble 
• Hear about the cross eyed teacher who got fired? She couldn't control her pupils 
• I got a job at the bakery because I kneeded the dough 
• What do you get when you cross a stream and a babbling brook? Wet feet!
• I don't like political jokes, I have seen to many of them get elected!
• Don't hit a man with glasses, hit him with a baseball bat instead
• If electricity comes from electrons does that mean morality comes from morons?
• If pro and con are opposite does that mean progress and Congress are opposite?
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!
• Did you hear the pizza joke? Forget it it is too cheesy.
• Jokes about poop are not my favorite but they are a solid number two
• My x girlfriend still misses me but her aim is getting better
• What is ET short for? Because he has little legs
• On average I think people are pretty mean
• There is no I in denial 
• How long is a Chinese name
• I for one like Roman numerals 
• What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Half way
• What does the Titanic and the sixth sense have in common? Icy dead people
• The question is not how high you are but hi how are you
• What has 4 wheels and flies? Dump truck
• Asked if she had any kids and she said - I have one that is just under two.. I said I know what one is!
• The police knocked on my door and said they were looking for a man with one eye. I said you should use both eyes when looking for someone!
• Where do you take a baby that has been hurt playing peek-a-boo? to the ICU!
• Did you hear that the man who invented the heat index died? He was only 70 but seemed like he was 90!
• The toilet should be called "the gym" instead of "the john".. Then I could say I went to the gym every day.
• The dog should be named "5 miles". Then I could say I walked 5 miles every day.
• 77% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 33% of intelligent people. 
• Who in the bible broke all ten commandments at once? Moses!
• Pre, Post, and A millennials.. what is a pan-millennial? Thinks it will all pan out. 
• You can rearrange letters in words like - silent and listen. But if you rearrange the letters of postmen they get really angry! 
• My told me he saw someone do 100 pushups at school and asked if I could do that.. I said yes! I could watch 1000!
• I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with? She said yes.. all the others were nines or tens!
• I bought a Christmas tree and the clerk asked if I was going to put it up myself!? I said no! it is for the living room. 
• How do you know it is a snowman? check for snowballs
• My friend asked what is the 9th letter of the alphabet? It was a random guess but I was right!
• My wife yelled at me to take the spider out! We went out for beers. Nice guy, He's a web developer. 
• My dad is very wise and with few words too. I asked if he would explain what a solar eclipse is and he said "No son"
• I went in to buy 12 bees and the clerk counted 13 and I said I am not gonna pay for that! She said that one is a freebee! 
• I was being bothered by a bee so I decided to look at it because seeing is bee-leaving! 
• I have been dating a entomologist for over a year now... and she still gives me butterflies!
• Cullman still has a ban on alcohol but is legalizing pot. The residents are left high and dry. 
• I had a girlfriend in college who demanded to know how pretty she was on a scale from 1 to 10. 
  I said your an eight. So she did.
• What do you call a cow that is good at math? a Cowculator
• My neighborhood barber got arrested for selling drugs... I was a customer for 6 years! I never even knew he was a barber!
• I was reading my bible and realized I needed to quit my job and become a miner... and leave my family and move in with some tall woman and 6 other short guys... Because God wants me to be Happy! [From Snow White]
• Did you know everyone is born with four kidneys? .. When you grow up, two of them become adult knees.
• The earth is flat... 70% water and no carbonation!
• Arguing with my friend about the earth being flat, he took a hike... I said don't worry, he will come around!
• A flat earther died and asked God if the earth is flat and God said it was round... the man replied, how deep does this cover up go! They got to you too!
• I read a book about taking a tumble down the stairs.. It is a step by step guide and was published last fall! 
• I thought Princess Bride jokes were dead but they are actually only mostly dead. So did you hear that the Princess Bride never had children?... inconceivable!
• On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?” He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed!" Possibly adapt for computer programmer?  
• I grilled a chicken for two hours... It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road!
• What do you call someone who takes care of chickens? A chicken tender! 
• My wife said she would leave me if I named our daughter something silly... so I called her bluff!